i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You Might Also Like
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Breaking news:
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
me doing my best
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)