I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Wait a minute
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room