I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”