@Stellacopter

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

@MoistPork

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@BoutCrazed

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

@Tbone7219

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

@VerifiedDrunk

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping