I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping