“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You Might Also Like
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
r: what can I do for you?
me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
A: Uh, seahorse
A: Sea cow.
A: Sea idiot!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Looking for some action?
Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person