I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
accurate
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Okay me first