I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Truth
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.