I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.