I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.


Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor


Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube


As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table


Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.


Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.


[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.


I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.


im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…