I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Saturday
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.