“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house