I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Merry Christmas
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad