I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’ll be mad as hell!
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.