I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
That’s no pocket rocket.