I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat