I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
12. I think about this all the damn time
それは草
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Friday
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“TGIM!” – My liver
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.