I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti