I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You Might Also Like
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”