I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I want to meet the individual who made this
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.