I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.