I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.