I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha