I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You Might Also Like
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*has no idea what a book even is*