I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

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Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.


They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog


If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.


Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z


Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*


“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.