*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.