*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”