I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.