I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.