I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.