I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
(more comics:
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us