I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
You Might Also Like
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
When news reporters do sports stories
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”