I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You Might Also Like
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.