“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*Seductively hides in the woods
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich