I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
you will never know the true number of layers
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
OH. COME. ON.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.