I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

You Might Also Like


*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*


Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.


Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.


I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.


Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.


It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans


[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?


turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”