@weinerdog4life
@meganamram We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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@meganamram 
@Lowenaffchen My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
@Reverend_Scott Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
@StorybookBlonde My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
@OhNoSheTwitnt “Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
@Brentweets If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
@chrisanna4real I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
@CMHorrocks Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
@noog “911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”