We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”