@weinerdog4life

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

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@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@AimeeHelene1

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

@Scarfolk

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

@TheBlessMess

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

@3sunzzz

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

@trevso_electric

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@HollyMemphis

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”