
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”