I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*lint rolls you awake*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that