I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?