@weinerdog4life
@SardonicTart *Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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@SardonicTart 
@AimeeHelene1 Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
@Scarfolk Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
@TheBlessMess I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
@3sunzzz Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
@donni It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
@GingerHotDish [Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
@trevso_electric turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
@ThisOneSayz “My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
@HollyMemphis Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”