@weinerdog4life

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

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@meganamram

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”