I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.