I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard