I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
something like this could probably happen to anyone
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower