I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.