I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?