I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Meanwhile in Portland…
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.