I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate