I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.