I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.