I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I can’t deal with men any longer
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”