I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You Might Also Like
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE