– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why