– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.