– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?