@JoParkerBear

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

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@wag____

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@itsmebeegee07

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

@68Cly29

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

@wolfevanmural

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@BumbleDC

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

@jackiembouvier

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

@mrjohntofu

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.