I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.