I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*