I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

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Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.


Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]


Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.


I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.


The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.


One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.


Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.


Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best