I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.